Originally shared on 22 December 2017 via TinyLetter.

Hello everyone!

It’s been a dark few months, nights full of stars and full moons, but also half moons and no moons, too. 

And now it’s the holidays, a time of many social gatherings full of new people and familiar people, a yearly ritual that can be joyful. I love the glitter, and all the lights, which are just glitter in electric form. And I love sharing sweets and laughter and dances with everyone in my communities. I love the extra excuse to put on feathered vests and golden pants.

But — it is also a time of year when I am surrounded by painful visions of my past future perfect self* – the person I thought I would be, by now, based on who I thought I would become, back then. During the holidays, I feel engulfed by these unwelcome sugarplum fairies — surrounded by others’ unpacked decorations while, in my parents’ home, there is a labeled box of Christmas ornaments that I may never put on a tree.

Some of the more vulnerable nouns are: mother, physician, leader.

And sometimes it feels that I have to confront the ways, both external and internal, that I am not these things — these defined, concrete nouns— and I feel trapped and stuck in this past future that never happened, not feeling the truth of the present, too shaken to imagine my own future, a future that I am creating — that I have created — with the tenacity of birds building nests from scavenged treasures.

My nest is constructed of turquoise glitter, bikes and photos tucked into corners, cozy spaces to welcome others and windows overlooking an endless, multicolored desert.

I need to create more complex nouns than society offers, and unpredict offers a way to release myself of these constraints: I can unpredict words and phrases to make my own world, my own answers to this question: “Who are you?”

These are some of my unpredicted set of complex nouns:

person-who-would-take-a-bullet-for-a child-not-her-own

spirit-who-has-an-inclusive-and-ever-expanding-view-of-community

geek-who-never-thought-the-sci-fi-canon-would-include-a-character-as-badass-as-Rey 

grown-child-who-misses-everything-and-nothing-about-the-place-she-was-raised

wanderer-who-sleeps-in-a-tent-alone-sometimes-because-the-beauty-of-the-outdoors-outweighs-every-other-fear

adventurer-who-tried-out-skiing-for-the-first-time-this-year-and-felt-great-joy

feminist-who-wants-to-be-hugged-by-everyone-in-healthy-loving-ways

Mo-who-prefers-howling-coyotes-over-the-concrete-of-cities

Happy winter solstice everyone! May your nights be full of the glitter of stars, and your days full of a mosaic of ever-changing skies. I can’t wait to hear what your unpredicted nouns are, and welcome you to share. Let’s celebrate them together. 

xoMo

*The inspiring Christina hosted a writing circle on Releasing our Past Future Perfect selves back in October, which helped put me into a healing mindset during the struggles of the holidays. If you are into writing circles, big questions and comics, check out her Patreon.